Let’s bring the “American Dream” to Greenland (by taking it over, of course!)
A handbook for the US State Department
Firstly — it can be done. Secondly — it can be done peacefully with the full support of the world community.
The precious Greenland is controlled by the Kingdom of Denmark (remember Hamlet? He was from around there). According to the FT Alphaville, the island stores some $300 billion worth of oil and $200 billion worth of real estate. But there are three ingredients that make Greenland totally irresistible:
· the rare earth minerals worth up to $700 billion. These are the fancy metals, like cerium, neodymium, and some other samariums that are used in manufacturing of cell phones, computer brains, and batteries for your Teslas. 90% of these wonderful elements are controlled by the Communists in China. With Greenland’s riches the Chinese dominance of the XXI century is no longer guaranteed.
· 80% of Greenland is covered with ice. If the global warming keeps on going, then by the end of the century, whoever has access to fresh water will rule the world. Can the US leave this important mission to Denmark?
· If all other arguments fail, one should always bring up the issue of the national security. From bases in Greenland it will be convenient to fight with those pesky Russians, those pretentious Canadians, and of course, the ubiquitous Chinese. Well, the US kind of already has military bases in Greenland, though.
So far, everything that the former POTUS had done re: Greenland had misfired and perhaps brought the ridicule from some less advanced nations.
The Commander-in-Chief had made two unforgivable mistakes:
- He asked the Kingdom of Denmark to sell Greenland to the US. This is like asking a hobo to sell the bridge under which he sleeps at night. One can’t sell what one doesn’t own.
- He did not ask the Greenlanders on whether they want to become Americans. Well, like the great majority of the Americans he thinks that everyone in the world wants to be able to shout “Trump is my President”, or “Don’t blame me, I did not vote for the guy!”
Taking territories by force is no longer acceptable. This is a fairly recent development. Over the centuries the taking over the territory of a defeated enemy was judged as a noble behavior, and the result of a due process.
Everything seemed to change in the XXI century. When Germany took over Austria and Czechoslovakia the world leaders just thought of Chancellor Hitler as of a naughty boy that distracts serious people from the serious business of politics. When he took over Poland, Denmark, Norway, Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, France, Yugoslavia and Greece, the world leader had expressed their deep displeasure that ended up in almost complete annihilation of Germany by 1945.
The US and Greenland. Photo by Wikipedia
Let’s now get to the practical part. To accomplish the legal, tolerated and the welcomed immersion of Greenland into the US, the following recommendations must be followed through:
Establish a legally acceptable mechanism of transfer of Greenland under the US “wing”
“Changing the flag” is perfectly legal if done by lawful means. In the past most territorial acquisitions had been done by military force. A huge Congo was controlled by Belgium, which is 77 times smaller. In 1913 the British Empire covered 24% of the Earth’s surface and was populated by the 23% of the Earth’s population. The Alsace Region (now a part of France) changed its “nationality” 4 times, being in turn claimed by either France or Germany.
In our less violent times people are averse to outright military grabs. Still, needless to say, that if the Pentagon decides to invade Greenland the only resistance it is likely to face would be from the harsh weather. Greenland itself has no military, and its police numbers are in low hundreds.
Denmark’s defense force is much mightier but the great majority of its 15,420 soldiers are located thousands of miles from Greenland. Still, the US would have to take into consideration potential resistance from SiriusPatruljen, a 12-men strong Sirius Dog Sled Patrol, a unit of the fearsome Danish Navy.
Sirius Dog Sled Patrol proudly flies the Royal Danish flag — Photo by Forsvaret
A commercially disguised land grab is a lot more palatable in the today’s liberal world. The US itself has acquired huge territories:
- Arkansas, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska and part of Minnesota, Louisiana, New Mexico, Wyoming, Texas, South Dakota, North Dakota, Colorado and Montana were purchased from France in 1803 for paltry $15 million ($340 million in today’s dollars);
- Alaska was bought from Russia in 1867 for $7.2 million ($125 million in today’s dollars)
- Territories in New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, Nevada, Arizona, Texas and California were acquired from Mexico in 1848 for $15 million ($487 million in today’s dollars)
And by the way, the US Virgin Island were formerly knows as the Danish West Indies and were purchased from Denmark in 1917.
This is no longer a Danish territory. Photo by Ishan @seefromthesky on Unsplash
Recently, a new fairly straightforward way of changing the allegiance had emerged in conducting a national referendum on secession. In 2008 Kosovo declared independence from Serbia, and that declaration had received support from the majority of the UN countries. In 2014 the Russians did a much lousier job with the Crimea, and such territorial transfer got support only by Russia itself and Nicaragua.
So, the world is likely to accept the transfer caused by a Greenland-wide referendum. Firstly, Greenland should declare its independence from the Kingdom of Denmark. Secondly, the independent Greenland should seek to associate with the US.
Verify the current legislature
Denmark’s claim to sovereignity over Greenland stems from a Norse settlement in Southern Greenland (from 980 until the XV century). The claim itself is of dubious nature since the settlement itself was established by the Vikings from Iceland, and not Denmark. In a similar manner Mongolia may lay a claim on Poland, Bulgaria and Hungary since Batu Khan once conquered these lands in the XIII century.
The §21 of the Act of Greenland Self-Government, executed by the Queen Margrethe II of Denmark in 2009, provides for the declaration of independence by Greenland, if it is endorsed by the national referendum. So, Donald Trump was totally off target when he offered to buy Greenland from Denmark. The latter has no right to sell, but indeed has an obligation to set the former free, if it so desires.
Queen Margrethe II — the mighty ruler of Denmark and Greenland. Photo by Local Denmark
Greenland can then become a dependent territory of the US. The United States of America has 11 dependent territories, 5 of which are inhabited — including Puerto Rico, Guam, US Virgin Islands, Northern Mariana Islands, and American Samoa. Alternatively, Greenland can become the 51st US state. Clause 1, Section 3, Article IV of the United States Constitution authorized the Congress to admit new states into the United States.
With potential enormous geopolitical influence and mineral riches Greenland is not likely to be a burden on the US. The country that has 12 million illegal immigrants can easily take up another 56,000 of legal ones.
Convince the Greenlanders
67.8% of Greenlanders want their country to become independent from Denmark. Out of 4 major political parties (not bad for a territory of 56,000 people!) — the two are radically “pro-independence”, one is moderately “pro-independence”, and the last one, which is mainly made up from the descendants of the Danes, is ready to tolerate the Denmark’s rule as long as the subsidies keep flowing from Copenhagen.
There is a tiny thread that ties Greenland to Denmark — the latter pays the former USD 600 million in the form of an annual subsidy. If this thread is replaced by a $1 billion rope from the US (still less than what the USA pays to Kenya, or Ethiopia) the grass root support for is guaranteed.
The US also needs to work on its image which was somewhat tarnished when in 1968 one of the B-52s stationed at Greenland’s Thule Air Base lost a nuclear bomb during the crash. It is still at large… somewhere in Greenland. The reopening of the US consulate in island’s capital Nuuk is the first step. Now it is the time for some heavy weaponry — the McDonalds’, KFCs and Taco Bells, followed by Walmarts, Targets and Starbucks’.
The conclusion: Get the money ready. Bring them the “American Dream”.
The Yanks are coming. Thule Military Base, North Greenland — Photo by IPTC
So it can be done — in the name of the freedom from the evil Queen Margrethe II, and the pursuit of happiness. Everyone will be happy. Except for some Danes. And the Chinese. And the Russians…. And the…. Who cares? The Greenlanders will be happy, and this is what really matters.
