TikTok — an appetizer before the meal? Go, Big D, go!

Vladimir Malenko
4 min readAug 5, 2020

Donald Trump will save us from TikTok. Well, of course, not all of us — only those who live between Juneau (AK) and Miami (FL), and just maybe the ones residing in Hawaii and Puerto Rico as well.

Photo by Hong Kong Free Press

Apparently, the evil citizens of the Middle Kingdom (中国 — Zhongguo — China) are collecting the users’ data from the naïve unsuspecting Americans… to be used to achieve some ignoble Chinese goals (conceivably — the world domination?). I have no doubt that Chairman Xie is personally eager to learn of my 12-year-old son’s interests and watching patterns. This ordeal has already sparked my own curiosity — now I just have to download this app.

Still, it is apparently OK for the US-based Facebook to sell, trade and give away the same users’ data to foreign entities. Not a bid deal.

Anything can and should be done in the interests of the national security. The US will ban, buy, or perhaps destroy TikTok. Russia’s President Vladimir Putin, who represents the highest moral authority for the US President Donald Trump had invoked the interests of the national security in 2018 to ban… the social network LinkedIn — in order to … prevent the abuse of the users’ data. What a great solution — no users — no data to abuse!

Photo by The Moscow Times

The nationalization is cool too. If Microsoft, Playboy, or even Dunkin Donuts get to buy TikTok on the cheap, all Americans would win, right? Indeed — especially, if a substantial cut for the Treasury is hustled out of the deal by the Tangerine Tornado himself.

The concept of protecting the national security interests is a very flexible and a convenient one. It can be invoked to ban or restrict exports of grain (Russia), imports of foreign cars (South Korea and the US), or simply to shut down the Internet (North Korea, Vietnam and India).

A North Korean girl “works” hard on a turned off computer — photo by Park Chen Soo

I think that brilliant Mr. Trump has found the way to unite the nation against the foreign wrongdoers. Getting TikTok to sell out to some kind of Microsoft is way too mild of a solution. I believe that the outright confiscation will protect the national security interests better. There are billions of dollars in assets and property in the US that are impudently owned by the foreign savages — we can start with just a few biggies — Toyota, Volkswagen, Deutsche Telecom (which owns T-Mobile), Shell

Between “Trump 2020” and “Trump 2032” the nation should unite around its patriotic POTUS and stop pandering to the overseas commercial interests — such as drinking Budweiser (owned by the Belgians), eating at Burger King restaurants (actually Canadian-owned), shopping at German Trader’s Joe or Japanese 7-Eleven stores, and especially buying cool staff made by GE Appliance which was traitoriously sold to Haier of China.

Welcome to 7-Eleven — photo Masayoshi Tanaka

I think that Trump’s administration should definitely take a look at these companies that use disguises to hide their foreign essences:

· Holiday Inn, Ben & Jerry and Lexis-Nexis (they all are British)

· Popeyes (Oh, Canada)

· Panera Bread (from the land of kraut and sausages)

· Chrysler and Oakley (from the birthplace of pasta)

· Gerber Products (from the realmof watches, chocolate and secretive bankers)

· The Hoover Company and Motorola (这些公司来自中国)

· Oregon Steel Mills (Hello, Mr. Putin, vodka and balalayka!)

Even the largest US bakery, Bimbo Bakeries, is owned by some Mexican bimbos.

Some foreigners are trying to hide their “horns and hooves” by keeping the good ol’ American names, like California Closets (apparently, the deceitful Canadian company), or Boston Dynamics (shamelessly owned by the Japanese).

Even the American Apparel is owned by those strange folks living north of the border.

Somebody needs to bring the New Order in the US. Let’s start with TikTok.